the girl who used to dance on fire and brimstone (whiskyinmind) wrote,
the girl who used to dance on fire and brimstone

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mercilous spam

I have a friend who sends me joke emails all the time, I'm sure you all have at least one person you know who does the same. Normally I giggle and then hit delete, but something about these two just struck me as classic comedy. Maybe it's the mood I'm in today, maybe it's the fact that I watched the first episode of Neverwhere last night, maybe it's just that these are damn funny jokes. Whatever the reason, I'm sharing them...

How to get off work

Two factory workers were talking.

"I think I'll take some time off from work." said the man. "How do you
think you'll do that?" said the blonde. He proceeded to show
climbing up to the rafters, and hanging upside down. The boss walked in,
saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he
was doing, "I'm a light bulb" answered the guy." I think you need some
time off," said the boss. So, the man jumped down and walked out of the
factory. The blonde began walking out too. The boss asked her where she
thought she was going.

(Are you ready for this one?)

(It's a good one!)

(OK, here goes)

The blonde answered, "Home. I can't work in the dark".

The Beer Scooter

How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night drinking and thought 'How on earth did I get home?'? As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the pub to your house.

The answer to this puzzle is that you used a Beer Scooter.

The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has acquired a large batch of these magical devices. The Beer Scooter works in the following fashion: The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the "slurring gland" begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends down a winged Beer

The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a Trans-Dimension Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This answers the second question after a night out 'How did I spend so much money?'

Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for over 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries).

An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip. The nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This answers a third question after a night out 'What the hell happened?'

With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT (Removal of Embarrassing
Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's REMIT is not necessarily the REMIT of another and quite often lost time is regained in discussions over a period of time.

Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles often cause the scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom, often with horrific consequences.

For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped with flowers picked from other people's garden and Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe up the stairs, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall in the house and the TSGS(Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the bruised shins.

The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters is the TAS (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can apparently get through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night.

PS: Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows you to comfortably get home from the pub in sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt.
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