February 15th, 2004

life begins - me

it's over

So that's it. The Buffy-verse is finally drawing its last breath on television. To be completely honest I can't say I'm surprised. Nor to my shock can I say I'm all that upset by it.

It's time, end it now before it starts to decompose. Maybe come back to it in a few years time once things have settled down somewhat and people like me have gotten past the anger at the production team and remembered the fantastic programmes and concepts that made me love them in the first place.

Let the characters go, let them find their way in the world ad pay them a visit a few years down the road - maybe by then some of the bitterness will be forgotten.
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life begins - me

Life sucks - but you knew that didn't you?

Kinda went on a spring clean kick today and tidied up the house. Partly because BibbleGal's coming to stay next weekend and partly because I'm sick of living in a house that looks like a bomb went off in it somewhere. Anyway, I ended up finding a bunch of stuff that was my mothers and for the first time since she died I didn't burst into tears as soon as I saw it.

It's true what they say, the pain of grief never goes away but there does come a day when you realise that you've been living with the pain so long that you don't really notice it anymore.

I realised today that for the past ten years I've been drifting, I ended up at uni because it was easier than not going, I ended up working in the library because it was easier than signing on, I ended up getting a promotion because someone else wanted me to apply.

I have always wanted to write - ever since I was a little girl I wanted to be "An authoress" and I've done bugger all about it. Recently I started writing fanfic but even that is using other people's characters. I'm in a state of fugue right now - I know my life sucks but at the moment I can't think of a way to improve it. I know it will come, it has to, But right now there doesn't seem to be any light at the end of this particular tunnel.

And then I picked up a CD I hadn't listened to for years and while I was listening to it I realised something about myself. No one else can decide my destiny - I have to write it myself. So from now on, I'm going to do my job to the best of my ability and I am going to get the hell out of there at the soonest possible opportunity. I'm going to enter the writing competition I heard about and do my damndest to win it. I am going to be a published writer by the time I'm 35. (I'm 29 now so saying 30 is a bit too soon).

I am going to be me again.
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    Alanis Morisette