the girl who used to dance on fire and brimstone (whiskyinmind) wrote,
the girl who used to dance on fire and brimstone
whiskyinmind

  • Music:

non-flocked therapy post

I don't talk about these sessions much, but I do talk about you guys in them. About the disparity between feeling comforted and loved by people I have never met and not getting that support from my immediate family. My therapist approves of you all. :)

So anyway, the last couple of times I've gone into the session I've had the radio on on the drive in and both times wildly inappropriate - and yet highly amusing - songs have come on. Week one: Charlotte Church - Crazy Chick. Week two: Gnarls Barkely - Crazy (which I love and highly recommend everyone listen to!) This week, there was no such luck before I went in but when I came out and put the radio on, Changing Tracks was on - people write in to share a song which has changed their lives in some way. And this song came on. It made me cry buckets because I could hear myself trying so hard to say these things to my sister.

Because of You</>


I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far

Because of you
I'll never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake, a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I'll never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I'll never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

And I swear, as I'm typing, Gnarls Barkely is playing on Radio 1. ("Bless your soul, d'you really think you're in control?")

(by the way, the reason I'm using this icon? I spoke to my therapist about it and we agreed that it seems to sum up a lot of what's going on in my head. I have a clear sense of individuality. I know what my life should be. And yet I'm aware of the wider world trying to stifle me and make me conform. The mechanism for balancing the two is something I don't have.)
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