the girl who used to dance on fire and brimstone (whiskyinmind) wrote,
the girl who used to dance on fire and brimstone

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Things I want to have accomplished this week

My mental health has improved over the last week or so, mostly due to Pluto it has to be said*, but I know I'm a long way from being 'healthy'. I will still have bouts of depression, there will still be times when I get so lethargic it's a real struggle to get out of bed, or to cook more than one thing at a time**, this is not a miraculous recovery.

So small steps, things I want to accomplish this week.

1 - I want to not have an anxiety attack about going to my Nephew's birthday dinner tomorrow.
2 - I want to take Dram out every day without having those anxiety attacks when people say hello.
3 - I want to finish something I can be proud of. Whether that's writing, graphics, sites, or decorating another cake.
4 - I want to clear out the back bedroom and actually get rid of the things I will never use again.***
5 - I want to stop complaining about work and actually do something positive about changing this, applying for new jobs, looking into proper business plans etc.
6 - I want to be able to tell people what I really think without feeling guilty when I don't agree with them.

* When I was nine, my Primary School visited the Royal Observatory in Edinburgh. I was already fascinated by all this stuff but that visit just confirmed it. It's always been, in my head, the biggest 'might have been' of my life - if I had chosen to concentrate on sciences instead of languages, if I had joined the RAF and not let the horror stories of postings to Belfast put me off joining the armed forces, if I hadn't ruined my eyesight (I wanted to walk on the Moon, seriously. Not just a pipedream at the time, I was good(ish) at sciences at the time and if I'd focused on them I could have been really good. I talked to the RAF recruitment teams at every career day and was well on the path to having them fund me through Uni so that I could join the space programme.) Anyway - big point of this footnote is this, a constant in my life is no longer there. Something which I have always believed to be true now isn't, because some men and women sitting down in a conference room said it isn't.

**I don't know if that's just me or what, but cooking a meal is tricky sometimes because the depression makes me unmotivated. I know I have to eat, so I put the oven on to make something. Then a half hour later I wonder what the slight burning smell is and remember the oven's on, go through to the kitchen and stand looking at the fridge/freezer for ten minutes before throwing one thing into the oven and then walking away again. That's why I tend to eat a lot of pizza because at least I can kid myself I'm getting a balance there. Cooking veg? Too much hassle. Cooking rice to go with that grilled chicken? Too much hassle. That's only when I'm at my lowest though, otherwise I do love cooking - as witnessed by the bout of cake-making yesterday and my very occaisional recipe posts/requests. (Saying that, I was out of pretty much everything at the end of last week so I put some pork & herb sausages in with a tin of chopped tomatoes, a tin of red kidney beans, some chilli flakes and some oregano. Cooked it in the oven for about half an hour or forty minutes and had it with some elderly tagliatelli (seriously don't remember the last time I bought tagliatelli) - it was surprisingly good!)

*** This is actually a bigger deal than it sounds, a lot of the 'things I will never use again' are/were my mum's.

Tags: mental health
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