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02 September 2006 @ 09:05 pm
Stop me. I'm drunk  
Haven't eaten much today and am concentrating too much on where the keys are to be sober...

Ah screw it, I'm going to spam you anyway - and talk about my insane mental health in a non-flocked post! Yay!

I really, really, love Supernatural. In case you hadn't picked up on that over the last few days. This is the kind of show I nearly emigrated for. Me and a friend from Uni were going to be Chris Carter's P.A.s (y'know, before he picked up that whole sexual harassment of his P.A.s lawsuit thing). We were going to fly out to BC and set up shop there - I think there was talk of a coffee shop called C32 but I may be mixing up tales... - and break into the media business.

And then we graduated and my mum got sicker and I never spoke to that friend again. And now I work in a library in a job that doesn't even earn me the average graduate wage for the year I graduated, never mind the average wage now.

I'm an idealist, I know this, my world will never come about, I said this to Monkey on Friday and he joked about it. Why can't there be a world where everyone gets by doing what they like? Doing what they're good at?

2 Legs Good. 4 Legs Better.

Man... now I actually have tears in my eyes.

I can make websites pretty. I can write - sometimes. I can make photographs look better. Why the hell can't I get by doing that?

Shouldn't we be able to make this world what we want it to be? Why can't we just be happy? Why do we have to struggle in jobs that drain away our soul piece by piece until all we have left is work? Why do we have to become these soulless beings slaving away to be able to get to the jobs which drain away our essence? Why do we have to restrain ourselves into something we physically hate, which makes us ill, which denies who we are?

We are willingly surrounding ourselves with the chains that Marx saw.

The Workers of the World United. They cast off their chains.

And they became Middle Class, which has its own set of chains.

And dammit, I can't cast them off.

I want to be a better person, I really do, I want to live up to the ideals my dad instilled in me, but I just... I'm educated, I'm not rich but I'm not on the bread-line, I'm middle class and I hate that. I'm a socialist who is a little too fond of what she has to walk out of a job that doesn't serve any purpose than to serve the State. I'm not helping the next generation, I'm not providing the tools that will help someone cure cancer, I'm sitting at my fucking desk bitching about how much I hate my job. I'm a cog in a machine that should have been modernised aeons ago. A machine that should be running on some superfast accelarated reactor instead of a waterwheel. A machine that wouldn't miss a cog if it broke.

I am somebody, dammit. I am me. For all that's worth, I'm me.

I need to get out. I need to find who I am and find where I fit.

I fit, right?

Nikki? I miss you. I think I saw you on the underground a few years ago so I guess you never made it to BC either. I miss who we were. I miss those nights when you would crash in my room at the Halls and I would type up your essays for you on Jen's crappy word processor. I miss the stupid packets of dried pasta you would give me when I ran out of money to buy food - and I miss the fact that I didn't even have enough money to pay for the milk those dry pasta packets needed and I wouldn't tell you because you would only have bought me that milk if I'd said anything.

Most of all, I miss that 17 year old rock chick who was going to find out how the world spun and make it dance to her tune. She called herself Sho. If anyone knows where she's at, can you tell her I'm looking for her?
velvetwhip: graveyard by claudia6913velvetwhip on September 2nd, 2006 08:19 pm (UTC)
:::hugs you tightly and wishes she could make it all better for you:::

Lauradimlondeiel on September 2nd, 2006 08:31 pm (UTC)
You fit, Sho. Everyone feels like this from time to time, but look at all the people who care for you :)

Jackiewillowmina on September 2nd, 2006 08:35 pm (UTC)
You fit - we all do, somewhere.


Hepcat: xander willow dancingxandernwhepcat on September 2nd, 2006 09:03 pm (UTC)
I second that. Testify.

Though it sucks that we can't always have what we love most as our main course, if life is good we can make certain we get side dishes of the things that matter. Which is what I do with fic, even though I spend my professional energies doing work I don't believe in (and my last career was one I did believe in, but the atmosphere sucked so much that I left, and now I'm sort of priced out of that work). So remember that you do spend your energies a good part of the time on things you do love, and since they're not for pay, they're also entirely your own and nobody can make you screw it up because they see it differently. There's that.

::squishing hug::
the girl who used to dance on fire and brimstone: annie hall//forgot my mantra - mewhiskyinmind on September 3rd, 2006 11:42 am (UTC)
I can't find the words right now to say how much I appreciate this. The idea of the 'side dishes' is inspired - and, back in the student days, I'm reminded of when we had money to go out for a meal and we would fill up on side dishes and deserts.

Thank you - from the bottom of my heart.
smhwpf on September 3rd, 2006 06:54 pm (UTC)
I don't think having a university education necessarily means you're not working class. I'm not convinced by the clarity of Marxist groups who claim that the "working class" can still be clearly delineated, but being in a job where you have no real control, where you are as you say a cog in a machine in whose workings you have no say, is one of the clearest measures of being working class. The way work is organised in most of the economy IMO, private and public sector, is shit. Or 'alienating' to use the technical term.

But aside from all that, you are totally a somebody and totally fit. (Seconds Hepcat). Just not at Glasgow Uni library, perhaps!