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01 October 2006 @ 08:32 am
Emo drama queen, that's me  
yeah... sorry about that. I'm not all the way better yet, but I've eaten and slept for around fourteen hours (and given that it's still before nine on a Sunday morning you can see my sleep pattern's fucked up again). So that's got to be a good thing.

Depression is a (pardon the pun) funny thing. There are days when I'm absolutely fine, snarky yes but that's just me, days when I'm incredibly hyper and productive. Then there are days when I think I'm depressed but still functioning, and then there are days like yesterday when I can't stop crying and the paranoia & extreme low self-confidence come crashing down to the extent where I can't do anything. At all.

It's like being a yo-yo. Up, down, tangled up somewhere in the middle... This is not the way to get healthy.

I'm getting there, the fact that I'm sitting typing this and listening to non-morbid chunes is a good thing, the fact that I can't currently do anything creative because of the low self-esteem thing sucks. Especially since I have two LIMS contests to enter in the next couple of days and I'm still at the stage of shutting down Photoshop without saving anything because I think everything sucks (I do this a lot more than I let on by the way...) so I guess I'll just have to take it easy and see what happens.

I know I don't suck, hell in one of my moments of having to prove to myself I could do something, I made an animated icon of the SPN s2 logo yesterday which is kinda mesmerising and I'm going to use for this post I think, but my brain just doesn't quite believe me right now.
Current Mood: blankblank
Current Music: Lostprophets - A Town Called Hypocrisy
JG: WKAjgracio on October 1st, 2006 12:35 pm (UTC)
I'm glad the worst is over. Do you know if there's some biological reason for your depression?

And really, someone should kick you in the ass, your work is awesome.
the girl who used to dance on fire and brimstone: annie hall//forgot my mantra - mewhiskyinmind on October 1st, 2006 03:32 pm (UTC)
I honestly don't know. My first therapist thought all I needed was bereavement counselling, my second one (the current one) thinks there's something further back in my past that I'm not dealing with properly. I've got an appointment with my GP this week, and I'm planning to talk to him about it.
Joel Mortonphysicsteach on October 1st, 2006 02:42 pm (UTC)
Are you on any meds for the depression, or at least under the care of a physician? My life changed dramatically for the better once I talked to my doctor and got on an SSRI.
the girl who used to dance on fire and brimstone: annie hall//forgot my mantra - mewhiskyinmind on October 1st, 2006 03:34 pm (UTC)
At the moment no, although I do have an appointment with my GP this week and I'm going to ask about the possibility of meds. He did say when we last spoke (which was a long time ago now) that he didn't like prescribing anti-depressents until the patient had tried therapy. I've been in therapy for over a year now and if anything the depression has gotten worse (although there could be an element of the treatment making it worse so I can get better) so I'm going to ask.
Joel Mortonphysicsteach on October 1st, 2006 06:25 pm (UTC)
I have to say that doesn't make much sense to me. If your brain is absorbing serotonin too quickly, talking about it won't do diddly. It's like talking to a lawyer because your car won't start.

Maybe I'm just lucky, because my doctor broke out the Lexapro the first time I talked to him about my anxiety attacks.

If you do get a prescription, know that it'll take a few days/weeks to start feeling the effects, and that if the side effects are bad you can try a new drug.
velvetwhip: Harold and Maude by nirvanadonnavelvetwhip on October 1st, 2006 04:35 pm (UTC)
I understand depression and its vagaries all too well.

:::hugs you:::

draconindraconin on October 2nd, 2006 04:58 am (UTC)
When you're up again, create a website with multiple positive images, fics and postings of things you're proud of having done. Plus links to any fics that made you feel really good. Then visit it whenever you get to thinking you can't do anything worthwhile.
And have someone else password protect it so you can't delete it when you're really down! :-)