the girl who used to dance on fire and brimstone (whiskyinmind) wrote,
the girl who used to dance on fire and brimstone

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Ponderings of an insane twentysomething

My mum smoked at least 30 a day most the time I knew her, JPS was her brand which is a pretty heavy tar. From the time I was six years old my mum was in and out of hospital with cardiac problems. She had a total of six miocardial infarctions (heart attacks), the last of which killed her, and countless angina attacks. There was a time in my early teens when I can't remember actually seeing my mum without that little red and white nitro spray either in her hand or in her mouth. Her illness was caused by her smoking, she did try to quit just after her third attack, but she ended up smoking in secret. After my dad died (gastric cancer - he never smoked) she had her fourth attack and she did cut right back. By the time of her fifth attack (when I moved back home to help take care of her) she had given up completely. That said it was still the smoking which killed her, even if she hadn't touched a cigarrette in years.

Ever since the time I realised it was cigarettes that made my mum ill I was anti-smoking. I never touched a cigarette in my teens. I didn't lecture my friends who smoked but whenever they lit up I left them to it. I didn't smoke, at all, not even one little drag.

So why is it, that in the last year, after I turned 29, I've become an occasional smoker? And I do mean occasional, I think I've had maybe 5 cigarettes in the last six months. Every now and then I just get into this bizarre frame of mind and I end up with a lit cigarette in my hand, like tonight.

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