the girl who used to dance on fire and brimstone (whiskyinmind) wrote,
the girl who used to dance on fire and brimstone

  • Mood:


It's a little ridiculous how much I've missed being online this weekend. Even with my impromptu plea for Harry Potter info on Saturday (punctuated by my nephew - sweetest kid in the world!). I miss you guys - really!

So I kinda thought, maybe being offline this weekend would give me the chance to... do something different? Maybe get in some practice on the guitar - y'know, earn these callouses on my fingers by being able to play something vaguely recognisable, but instead I watched Spaced. Again.

I love that show. Majorly.

When I don't think "there but for the grace..." about Simon Pegg, I think it about Jess Stevenson (or whatever her married name is). Seriously, I'm ages with those two (West Coast of Scotland saying meaning "the same age as") , I have the same (worthless) degree as Simon, I can outgeek Jess (probably not Simon though...) and yet I'm working in a library. *sigh*.

I don't begrudge them at all, the only I would thing say is that there should be a third season of Spaced and Hot Fuzz really needs to come down in price soon so's I can see it. (pleads poverty in a Lindsey-esque manner).

My car is apparently fixed. Running on four cylinders rather than the six it's meant to, and with a new power steering unit. Of course, I say "apparently" because it's still at the garage since I can't actually pay for it...

I went grocery shopping today and it was as if I had advance warning of the 4 minute warning (which, I've mentioned before on this journal overwhelms me that some of you don't get the significance of that!) since I stocked up on tinned foods and all the things that will get me through the month. I'm going to call the garage in the morning (Monday - since I'm writing this on Sunday night even though I can't post it...) to find out what the damage is and whether - to be frank - I can afford to get my car out of the garage or not. I filled my sister's car with petrol today. She needs to claim it back this week sometime (meaning I need to get the train) so that she can buy a school uniform for my nephew. He starts school in... it'll be 9 days now. I remember the day she told me she was pregnant with him. We were on holiday. My sister, my BiL, me and Dram. We rented a cottage just outside of Callender for the Christmas holidays. She gave me a card that said "Merry Christmas Auntie". I cried that night. She'd had problems conceiving. There were physiological issues that interfered with the natural process and had been told she would be exceptionally lucky to 1) conceive; and 2) carry a baby to term. I had given them (sis and BiL) a rucksack of my belongings to take with them whilst I took Dram on the train to the holiday cottage. The first night (24th Dec.) I unpacked my rucksack and found the envelope with the Christmas card in it. I remember being angry that she had opened my rucksack. And then I saw the "auntie" on the card and I don't think I stopped crying for that whole night.

My mum would have loved being a grandma. But she never knew.

Four kids later, and don't get me wrong I love my nephews and neices, I think my mum would have said the same thing I'm saying. "Knock some sense into yersel'" My sister is not pregnant again. My BiL is having a consultation to have the snip this month, my sister sounds disappointed. She has four children. The eldest turns five this month. She had a 'mistiming' that led her to think she might be pregnant again, and she's actually disappointed that she's not.

My youngest nephew - who I adore beyond all reason (seriously, this boy is me in replica) - is being sorely neglected because he's at the stage where he's *just* walking but not quite talking, and yet... there's a new baby there who's demanding all the attention so M (Yeah, Sis, I'm giving out his initial, bite me) has to shout and act out and throw his head back against visitors to get attention. He gets it from me, seriously, M is a smart cookie. He understands everything that's said to him, he knows *exactly* how to get what he wants, but he's being overlooked.

My sister is a good mother, when I say 'neglect' I don't mean it in a way that would cause concern. She does not neglect her children, she gives them every single emotional, phyiscal and environmental thing they need/want/desire. But... M feels it. I know he does. I can see it in his face, I can tell from the way in which I was reading to him on Saturday and he was 'talking' to me in normal tones rather than shouting. The words aren't quite there, but the sentiment is. When he's with his brother and sisters he shouts to be heard, when he's with me he talks.

I wish I could be there more, there are times when I feel like the second parent. Goodness knows I don't get on with my BiL. He's the cause of the longest estrangement I've had with my sister in the... time I've been alive. But... I do genuinly feel like I'm more of a parent to those kids than he is a father. That's a horrid thing to say, I know that, and I wish I felt more guilty about saying it than I do, but the fact of the matter is, when my eldest nephew asked if would 'die' from his MMR, it was his Auntie Sho he asked, not his Daddy.

Wow, this got more maudlin than I meant it to. Um...


(which will only be slightly funny if you're UK/European because otherwise you'll just wonder why I'm talking about trousers...)

So yeah, I'm saving this to my new shiny 2GB pen-drive (bought after my siser "washed" my old one in November last year and then wondered why it wasn't working so well any more...) and will post this (no matter what) on Monday.


(is anxious about all the drabbles/ficlets she posted on Friday, is not in any way obsessing over people either 1) hating them, or; 2) ignoring them completely)

And today's post! I have an appointment to speak to a financial advisor at lunch today, so of course I managed to sleep in and pulled on the first clothes I could lay my hands on. So I'm going to go talk to this guy about how I need to restructure my debts and I'm wearing washed out jeans, boots and a navy hoodie. Yeah... that makes a great impression really! I'm also absolutely knackered, have really dark rings under my eyes and since I'm now brunette again (dyed it yesterday) they're all the more obvious. This guy is going to take one look at me and say "yeah right..." and show me the door. I would!

You guys rock by the way - thank you so much for coming through so quickly for me on Saturday! (Sis is online, but it's dial up and on the slowest computer in the world, so I got to check about an hour after I made the phone post - thank you all again!)

I feel like I want to write again today but am kinda drawing a blank on what to do. I have the 'Terminal Cindy' idea that frogfarm gave me in my head, and the Alec & Ben* idea that x5vale inspired on Friday, plus I have the fic_variations prompts for August to do, but... none of it's really inspiring me today. Too many other things on my mind I guess!

Anyways... I should go do some actual work or... maybe I could catch up on the ol' flist whilst I'm online? *g*

* that's Alec and Ben, not Alec/Ben, because that would just hurt my brain...
Tags: family, finding motivation, gimme my broadband back!, random
  • Post a new comment


    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.